


Mulder's Paranormal Problems Solved

by ladymidath



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-17
Updated: 2005-07-17
Packaged: 2019-02-05 15:38:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12797457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladymidath/pseuds/ladymidath
Summary: What if Mulder's next job after leaving the FBI was to write an advice column?





	Mulder's Paranormal Problems Solved

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Dear Mr Mulder

While repairing some water damage I in the basement, I found what appeared to be 

a doorway to hell. At first I thought it was a door to a root cellar or 

something but when I opened the thing...well, you wouldn't believe it! I came 

face to face with all the pain and suffering of the of the eternally dammed. All 

the weeping and gnashing of teeth, a burning agony like I have never seen before 

in my entire life. What I would like to know is, is there any way of harnessing 

some of that energy and directing it into my home heating system?

 

 

If I can do this, I think I might be able to save a bundle on fuel costs this 

winter. I've enclosed a photo of the door.

Signed

Soon To Be Toasty Warm,

 

 

Dear Soon To Be Toasty Warm

In this era of soaring energy costs and a growing conservation movement, yours 

is an excellent idea. If you have central heating, the answer may be as simple 

as running a flexible aluminum heating duct from your newly found Portal of 

Hades directly into your system's heat exchanger where it can flow to the vents 

located throughout your home.

 

If your system is electrically-fired, a solar panel could conceivably convert 

the energy from the flames licking at the flesh of the everlastingly tormented 

souls into a virtually inexhaustibly supply of usable current.

 

By the way, I think the government offers some substantial tax breaks for this 

who not only save energy but use alternative energy sources wisely.

 

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Mr Fox Mulder

I think that my house may be haunted. I am not sure, but every time I walk 

through the front door a loud booming voice tells me to 'Get Out'. Normally this 

would not bother me, but it can be very embarrassing when we have guests over 

for dinner. We have also noticed a terrible insect infestation, particularly 

flies that keep buzzing around the upstairs windows.

 

Is there anything that we can do about this?

Yours Truly Scared In Amityville

 

 

Dear Scared In Amityville

By the sounds of it, what you have is a classic type one haunting. The voice and 

the flies can be dealt with by using a strong insect repellent followed by an 

exorcist. It's these little problems that can make a home owner's life a misery 

but perseverance will soon solves these little problems.

 

 

Signed Fox Mulder

Dear Sexy Fox baby

It's me, your cute little rat boy. I have a problem. How do I get a handsome 

Armani clad hunk of ex FBI agent into my bed?

 

Signed Green Eyes

 

Dear Green Eyes

 

Not on your life you father murdering creep. I don't care how sexy you are. How 

hot your cute little ass is or how that leather jacket you always wear makes you 

look like one hot little bad boy. Not In This Or Any Other Life Time

 

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Mr Fox Mulder 

Recently I noticed how oddly my mother has been acting. Sometimes she points at 

my son Damien shrieking and howling like a banshee. She keeps telling me that he 

is the son of Satan and the embodiment of evil. I think that she might be a 

little hostile towards him because he was an adopted child. His birth mother, a 

jackal had unfortunately passed away and my husband and I, having no children 

decided to adopt him.

Do you think it might be time to put her in a home?

Yours Mrs Proud Mother

 

 

Dear Proud Mother

Get rid of the kid.

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Fox

I read the letter that Green Eyes had wrote. If that sneaky little rat bastard 

thinks he can cut in on my action. He has another thing coming.

Your Truly The Alpha AD

 

 

Dear Alpha AD

Yes sir...*gulp*

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Mr Fox Mulder

It was only after I purchased my house and moved in that I discovered that my 

hot water only works on the witches Sabbath. As I need a reliable hot water 

system for showers and washing dishes etc., this could prove to be real problem. 

What would you suggest?" Signed Worried From Salem

 

 

Dear Worried From Salem

The only thing that I can suggest is that you have the witches cauldron replaced 

with a proper 45 gallon electric water heater from Sears. Make sure it is not an 

older model with newt's eyes and bats blood. Sears was doing that for a while 

until the FTC cracked down.

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Foxxy babe

You can tell the big bald headed guy that he had his chance when you were still 

working under him that he had his chance and blew it. You gonna be working under 

me from now on, *smirk*

Your always Green Eyes

 

 

Dear Green Eyes

Maybe you should tell the big bald guy yourself. Maybe you might wind up working 

under him yourself. *hint hint*

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Mr Fox Mulder

I am having a terrible time trying to find a buyer for my home. It is a lovely 

little cottage near the beach. It is secluded with lots of wood land and acreage 

for families to enjoy. I just know that this would make a perfect home for the 

right family.

 

There is only one teensy problem though. My neighbor just happens to a werewolf. 

I know it is not his fault and my husband and I are very tolerant, but by law we 

are required to tell any potential buyers that there is a lycanthrope residing 

in the area. Personally I think this is narrow minded prejudice but what can we 

do. We really need to sell as the full moon is due in a few days time.

Yours sincerely Smothered In Wolfsbane

 

Dear Smothered In Wolfsbane.

I can see how tricky this situation is for you and your husband. The only thing 

that I can suggest to you is to paint a large pentacle or *pentagram if you 

prefer* over the front entrance of your house. This should then reassure 

prospective buyers that the house is safe from nocturnal lycanthrope visits. If 

this does not work, you can always tear the cottage down and sub divide the land 

for development.

Wishing you luck

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Fox Mulder

I am having a serious problem with my baby son. He is developing supernatural 

powers daily. He is able to make things fly around the room including his 

grandmother. Taking him shopping is becoming impossible as he keeps making 

unwanted items such as candy and toys float into the shopping trolley and if he 

throws a tantrum, he is able to make the walls crack open.

 

In other words, when are you coming to visit your son you schmuck?

Yours exhaustedly Dana.

 

 

Hey Foxxy babe

When are you going to give up this dumb advice column and spend some time with 

me? Little Alex is hard and horny if you know what I mean.

Waiting just for you

Green Eyes

 

 

Dear Green Eyes,

Give it up.

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Dear Green Eyes,

Unless you want to spend another cold winter evening handcuffed to my balcony, 

Give it up!

Signed The Alpha AD

 

 

Dear Foxxy babe

Ask the big bad Alpha AD if that was supposed to be a threat or an invitation 

for a fun evening.*smirk*

Yours in lust Green Eyes

 

 

Dear Mr Mulder

When are you going to come to the realization that you are the chosen heir to 

the empire that I have created? That you are the one that will make all our 

plans come to fruition. That it is you that shall hold the reins of power when 

colonization begins. I am enclosing a pack of Morleys in this letter in order to 

make you aware of your future.

Signed Your real father

 

 

Dear Your Real Father

Maybe I should send Green Eyes around to pay a visit to you. He is very good at 

getting rid of unwanted fathers. Get the hint?

Signed Fox Mulder

 

 

Sorry folks, we have no more room for any of our readers letters for this week. 

But please keep the letters coming, and don't miss out next week when Mr Mulder 

explains how to fill out those pesky 302's without being locked up in a mental 

institution. You also won't want to miss our special report on Oiliens. A New 

Source Of Fuel For The Future.

 

Bye for now. The Editors.

The Lone Gunmen.

END


End file.
